How do I let go

Wow I have so much to let go of and I don't know where to start.
I need to let go of the grudge I have with myself for all my mistakes and lack of making things happen. I need to let go of the belief that I'm just not worth it, that I should just settle for how things are and never want more.
I need to let go of feelings I've developed for someone who does not want to be in my life in that way.....and most of all I have to let go of the marriage that is slowly killing me ..........from the inside out.

I'm so scared of everything these days. I can talk the talk I just can't walk the walk. I know all the advice and I know all the things that would be best for everyone yet I just don't move. I know inside I'm moving towards where I need to be. Time I guess and one bridge at a time.

I've talked about the person here who means the world to me .....a male friend I've had in my life for three years and who knows every detail of my problems and life and what ails my heart and soul. We have shared for hours and hours on end through work, visits, etc.....and I know I let my feelings grow deeper than I should have. There is such a connection through similar life circumstances and personality similarities. We have such similar goals for our futures it is scary...and we both share in similar fears ......yet he is totally at a different bridge than I being that he is divorcing and his children are much older than mine (grown past dependence) yet I'm a month older lol

Anyhow I swallowed and buried my feelings when he got involved with another woman after his split up and just tried my best to be a good friend and still be there for him. Of course the friendship took a back seat as expected. It grew farther and farther apart and it hurt immensely. Then after about 10 months things fell apart in his relationship and he started spending more time with me as a friend. The level of getting along is above normal friendship but I know that he is just that friendly with everyone mostly because he has a heart of gold that just gives and gives. Well things got back on track and my feelings (of course that never left) grew again and eventually I just felt I needed to share them....in an honourable, no expectations of course way. Well totally would never be acted on or would it jeapordize the friendship but I felt a need for him to know which he probably in a way already did. Anyhow again I've had to bury those feelings to save the friendship which of course is more important than anything. Now he has revealed to me a woman he has been very friendly with for months ( which i knew) .....he was going to try something with.....venture into a relationship and see how it goes...even though he has told me several times even TO ME that he didn't want a relationship....politeness not to hurt my feelings I suppose. So is it making him happy ....of course it is ....am I being supportive? of course I am? Am I dying inside a little bit more than ever now? YUP!!!!!! I am happy he confided in me as he hasn't told anyone else and I feel honoured he can open up because normally he just hates to do that....but he does with me. So what is my problem? I can't let go of what is inside. I want to ...I want to feel nothing in that way for him....i don't want to dream about him or have dreams of being with him.....in a life way? !!!!!! I guess I had a small spark of hope that said maybe down the road....maybe when I'm on my own and healed and he is healed ....we'll cross paths and realize that our roads would travel well together.....that our kids are all wonderful and get on so well, that we both want independence yet want to share with each other ...that yes there is an attraction on more than one level. I guess I can hold it as a dream ...but why....it is like torture and what is the point??? So how do I let go? back off the friendship? I have no idea how to let go and how to turn off.....but for his sake and my sanity I know I have to.

Aside from all that .....I just feel like one of my best supports ...a big part of my strength is gone ....because his focus will be solely on work,kids and now his new woman and her kids. I'll just fade away like I seem to do with everyone in my life....other than my mom and dad and my own kids. woohoo

:( man I'm tired of feeling sad....I want some time away with someone who will just be my best friend for a weekend......watch movies with me, walk with me, eat with me, get drunk with me, laugh with me and just be with me. Maybe one day.....someone will offer .....someone will want to do that with me........maybe .........