How do I let go

Wow I have so much to let go of and I don't know where to start.
I need to let go of the grudge I have with myself for all my mistakes and lack of making things happen. I need to let go of the belief that I'm just not worth it, that I should just settle for how things are and never want more.
I need to let go of feelings I've developed for someone who does not want to be in my life in that way.....and most of all I have to let go of the marriage that is slowly killing me ..........from the inside out.

I'm so scared of everything these days. I can talk the talk I just can't walk the walk. I know all the advice and I know all the things that would be best for everyone yet I just don't move. I know inside I'm moving towards where I need to be. Time I guess and one bridge at a time.

I've talked about the person here who means the world to me .....a male friend I've had in my life for three years and who knows every detail of my problems and life and what ails my heart and soul. We have shared for hours and hours on end through work, visits, etc.....and I know I let my feelings grow deeper than I should have. There is such a connection through similar life circumstances and personality similarities. We have such similar goals for our futures it is scary...and we both share in similar fears ......yet he is totally at a different bridge than I being that he is divorcing and his children are much older than mine (grown past dependence) yet I'm a month older lol

Anyhow I swallowed and buried my feelings when he got involved with another woman after his split up and just tried my best to be a good friend and still be there for him. Of course the friendship took a back seat as expected. It grew farther and farther apart and it hurt immensely. Then after about 10 months things fell apart in his relationship and he started spending more time with me as a friend. The level of getting along is above normal friendship but I know that he is just that friendly with everyone mostly because he has a heart of gold that just gives and gives. Well things got back on track and my feelings (of course that never left) grew again and eventually I just felt I needed to share them....in an honourable, no expectations of course way. Well totally would never be acted on or would it jeapordize the friendship but I felt a need for him to know which he probably in a way already did. Anyhow again I've had to bury those feelings to save the friendship which of course is more important than anything. Now he has revealed to me a woman he has been very friendly with for months ( which i knew) .....he was going to try something with.....venture into a relationship and see how it goes...even though he has told me several times even TO ME that he didn't want a relationship....politeness not to hurt my feelings I suppose. So is it making him happy ....of course it is ....am I being supportive? of course I am? Am I dying inside a little bit more than ever now? YUP!!!!!! I am happy he confided in me as he hasn't told anyone else and I feel honoured he can open up because normally he just hates to do that....but he does with me. So what is my problem? I can't let go of what is inside. I want to ...I want to feel nothing in that way for him....i don't want to dream about him or have dreams of being with him.....in a life way? !!!!!! I guess I had a small spark of hope that said maybe down the road....maybe when I'm on my own and healed and he is healed ....we'll cross paths and realize that our roads would travel well together.....that our kids are all wonderful and get on so well, that we both want independence yet want to share with each other ...that yes there is an attraction on more than one level. I guess I can hold it as a dream ...but why....it is like torture and what is the point??? So how do I let go? back off the friendship? I have no idea how to let go and how to turn off.....but for his sake and my sanity I know I have to.

Aside from all that .....I just feel like one of my best supports ...a big part of my strength is gone ....because his focus will be solely on work,kids and now his new woman and her kids. I'll just fade away like I seem to do with everyone in my life....other than my mom and dad and my own kids. woohoo

:( man I'm tired of feeling sad....I want some time away with someone who will just be my best friend for a weekend......watch movies with me, walk with me, eat with me, get drunk with me, laugh with me and just be with me. Maybe one day.....someone will offer .....someone will want to do that with me........maybe .........

Tired of being Tired

I want a jolt, a big jolt of joy to my heart, dance in my step and "wake me up juice" to my brain.
I am working out a lot , eating quite healthy and getting better sleep at night. I had my thryoid medication increased awhile back too. So why am I still so tired? I'm mean some moments in my day are pure exhaustion .....and I ache when I breathe. Even now I"m having a hard time typing.

I really wonder if it is the constant turmoil I'm battling inside every day? The uncertainty of my future ??? Is it the constant tension I feel in the home with my hsb. and trying to constantly to shelter the kids from it. ????

See so tired I can't even finish this entry. Usually I'm a nightowl.....but i'll wake up I"m sure a hundred times before getting up and have at least half a dozen dreams. I should keep a dream journal too as they are so vivid and real. I swear sometimes more. I had a dream about someone the other day and the next morning I saw them after months of not.

Oh yeah everyone thinks they have special powers...lol

J :)

A Journey

A journey

Flying gracefully through the sky
Is the great journey of a bird
Seeking pathways through fluffy clouds
Always knowing what is preferred.

Dreams are born every single day
Granting inspirational hope
Striving to fly the best she can
Life's adventure helps her to cope.

A quest of more to fill her heart
Satisfy her mind and her soul
Finding the journey meant to be
Is truly her ultimate goal.

But what happens to the sweet bird
When she loses her very way?
All her dreams are too far to reach
To her life it's complete dismay.

A broken path, a broken dream
Her flying cannot be endured
Sense of loneliness and despair
Nothing helps her to be assured.

With her wings severely damaged
How will she continue her flight
Everything her heart desires
Is completely out of her sight.

She knows time will heal her spirit
A new journey will be explored
She believes with her heart and soul
That her life's dreams will be restored.

Flying gracefully through the sky
New horizons not far away
The sweet bird now fully restored
Will embrace each and every day.

Everybody is just too busy

You know our world has changed so much that there is not time for what is most important, there is no priority for people and true quality relationships anymore. Yes life is so fast that we just keep going, keep taking on more and more so much so we forget to set our priorities and then we lose sight of those in our life that our the most important to us.

I have been searching for so long for someone or more than someone to be a priority in my life and be a priority in theirs....someone to share with ....someone to say hi to at any time of the day.....to chat with on occassion to even spend time with. Aside from time with my family (kids) I don't get a lot of time with anyone actually. Everyone is just too busy. Too busy to me is an excuse because often what is expected is simply a quick hello, a quick message, a quick reply, and/or an occasional visit.

I am busy too I have work, volunteer work. a household, three kids, family, friends etc. but I still always have time for those who are most dear to my heart. My fear which seems reality these days is that there is no one's heart out there where I have the same priority. I don't know to be honest if I'll ever find it. I'm not even talking on a romantic level just a really awesome best friend type level. It just doesn't exist anymore or I am just not worthy of it. Yes I have god to talk to whenever I want or need but that relationship is different and not what I'm talking about.

I was becoming too busy in my own life and drifting away ....so I knew I had to examine whether the way I was currently spending my time accurately reflected my deepest values and priorities. I now make sure that my schedule has adequate time for the things that are truly most important to me.

Sadly I have not found anyone else who can truly do this with me. I feel really ripped off that I get a glimmer of it with people and then they just disappear.

I have really made space in my heart but it continues to remain empty.

I do appreciate people have full lives but to me priorities mean putting people FIRST. I just don't know if I'll ever be in someone's top priorities.

:(

Passing on to Heaven

I'm not good with death in the news and I'm defn. not good with death of those in the community but I'm really not good with death in my own family. Who is right? I just let it hit me so hard because I take on the worry and grief of everyone instead of letting myself grieve and just give support. Not sure why I do that.........

I hear my mum's sadness and it hits my core. I hate seeing people I love hurt so much. I know that it will be okay I know that the passing is onto Heaven and I know that God is there with open arms and that all the family before will be up there waiting.

I just need to remember for a few moments and then just keep busy for a little while. I'll defn. do some praying before bed just to release some of the sadness.

Long walks in the garden, learning about trees and different species of plant life that exist outside of Canada, sitting having tea in the back sunroom every morning with the crossword in hand. Long trips to for sightseeing including Sherwood Forest, long visits to the pubs and fancy restaurants............sitting watching the most boring T.V. ever ...but most of all

Sarah Brighton from Phantom of the Opera.......
and I'll never forget my favourtie saying

"BLOODY NORA!" got to love the English.....and you got to love family no matter how near or far on land they are always right there in your heart.

J :)
Bye for now but not forever