I'm not even sure where to begin this blog or what to title it. I know inside I just want and need to write. I met a wonderful person a number of years ago now who really showed me what love was all about and I was shown through words esp. I started to write and it was the first time in a long long time that I felt really good about myself and life. I always have felt great around my children but the rest of my life was taking a back seat to lonliness and sadness.

I really got into the writing and loved it. I was able to write about real feelings and emotions and real life situations as well as imagination and fantasy. I think I felt real stress relief in it. Now my life is again in a tunnel of darkness (for some parts only) and I really want to try writing again but writing always reminds me of him and that is hard because (him) was one person in my whole life who really "got" me. He is now gone and he left my life without a goodbye something that still bothers me to this day.

I like to revisit my work too and am amazed at how many poems were really about me on the inside and how long I've felt sad. Sad is the only word to describe it. It is not negative because I try to be positive all the time around others. I only truly experience "sad" on my own time for the most part. I'm like a closet "sad" person. I hide it well. I do appreciate a lot and I do have a good attitude so "sad" is not that either. "Sad" is what is missing inside what maybe has always been missing. (there may have been a glimmer of what is missing but it was taken away before I could get a good grip on it).

I know "sad" has had its varying levels too because sometimes wanting and wanting someone or something and not being allowed to have it or him etc.....has made the "sad" a whole lot worse. So bad in fact last year I did something really stupid ..well beyond my intelligence level and after I had no idea why. I wrote about it too to take responsibility for it and maybe to try and understand it I suppose. I have not shared this with anyone.

Cutting

You move the knife
Across the skin
But is there pain
No it’s all within

One slice two slice
The blood seeps out
The pain feels good
Your heart wants to shout

Line after line
You hide away
So no one sees
Yourself you betray

Emotions big
Upset that kills
Nothing else helps
Not advice or pills

Cuts are relief
Of the worse kind
No attachments
Found in soul or mind

Self-injurious wounds
It is not smart
Relieves the pain
That’s deep in the heart.

I'm not proud at all but I think I realized how serious "sad" was getting at that time. It is up and down like a yoyo for me. There is never really "happy" on the inside ....there is a lot of "happy" on the outside for sure for sure. I just want some day to have and experience "happy" without having to sacrifice the happiness and well being of others. Will that ever happen? I'm already 43 and don't feel anyone would want me now as it is....what about in five or more years it will just be worse. how long do I wait?

You know I have this great friend who I CAN'T wait to talk to for real, that just is always around. He is in my heart and in my head constantly. A super dear friend who I can't believe how much I miss when I'm not in contact with him even for just a day.....lol. How can that happen? How can I feel so much for someone so far away so completely living a different life to mine....?? I feel a supporting bond that just helps me so so much. I think people like this in your life are rare rare to find and even though he has a lot in his life in this sort of "light" ....he truly is my one and only ....lol (I so don't mean that in a romantic sense lol), don't want him thinking I'm a stalker........lol Just a really grateful friend who adores him !!!!!!!!!

If not for him .......I'd have so much bottled in. Maybe helping each other is good for both of us.

J :)