Paralyzed

You know I listen to so much music because lyrics touch my heart, bring back memories, cheer me up, make me cry, soothe me and sometimes just take me away. I love the escape music gives me from life and strife.

I have lived long enough to know what type of attitude to have, how to stay positive, how to make a difference in others' lives, how to appreciate all the little things, not to stress about that I cannot change, how to live each day fully etc. etc. etc. I know all the lessons I hear all the advice yet somehow my heart is paralyzed with the reality of my own life.
Truly I have nothing to complain about, I have so so much to be thankful for, to appreciate, to love yet my chest aches daily, my eyes cry nightly and I can't seem to hold any type of real feeling of elation for long.

All the issues in my life that have been created by myself and others are real and are issues I know thousands of others have had, lived through but mine are paralyzing me. I can't go back, I can't move forward I'm even having a hard time living in the moment, in the present. I know life is a gift and I'm great at giving others advice, words of wisdom, compassion, sympathy all of it...but I can't ever hear my own words, live by my own words. My ears, my heart my soul are all paralyzed.

There is no cure, and even though I know God is there, he loves me, he supports me and he truly forgives me, he just can't take the paralysis away. He can't, no one can, only I can. That too I know yet I'm not doing it, I'm not helping myself, I'm not loving myself and I fully know I should be.
I know this because if I don't I'll live the rest of my life paralyzed.

I have children who are my absolute world, I have family who are supportive and loving, I have friends that care and love me but there is still something missing, something I want, something I need. I need strength and I need courage, I need faith and I need hope and most of all I need love. I need them from me to me. I want desperately to find out how to do that.

I long for and ache for the "I love you words" ...I long and ache for any attention that makes me feel a little stronger, a little more appreciated, and a lot more loved. People never realize how great those small words can sound. I know there are so many different types of love and I don't think I really ache for the "romantic love" as much as the life long companion love. I would rather have a few really close close friends who love me for a life time then a "romantic love" that may only last a short while. I want to feel needed and cared for by those other than family. I know in my heart of hearts I want it from males more than females. Female friends are valuable of course but even male friends bring something different.

If I could have a wish today believe it or not it would be a long fulfilling loving hug that just said everything is going to be okay, I'm going to believe in you, care for you and help you find yourself again. I'm going to unconditionally support you and love you. I'm going to be your best friend. That might just trigger inside of me what I need to move out of this paralyzed state.

J

Wow paralysis creates whole lot of rambling.