Confusion

Well this I hope is going to be really helpful as writing usually is for me. My heart and head are in such a dilemma I feel like my head is going to split like that of a vault line during an earthquake. Things are so messed up for me and I know I'm a huge contributor to it. All the breakdown of my marriage has really taken its toll on my whole family really but it still doesn't seem as bad as it would be breaking the family up.....but again I toss with that too.

I had made peace with everything,,, all my mistakes and indiscretions, all my guilt and I found forgiveness with God this summer on my amazing retreat in the mountains. I think I was missing him in my life and I really truly found him and I found forgiveness everywhere ...I really felt different when I was there and even when I left. I felt strong. However when I tried to discuss everything it all kind of blew up in my face and words exchanged, feelings or lack of feelings I don't know changed everything and I felt and I felt my retreat slip away from my heart and soul. So I continue to be at that same place. Even though some things were agreed on things went on and somewhat in a different but better way. I felt attention and caring that I had not felt or experienced in years and it gave me some hope. However that did not last and things seem to have slipped back to how they once always were ....back to what got us to this point in the first place.

So my confusion? Gosh I want to find my relationship with god more and I want his guidance to help me find "me" again. That is the worst part of where I'm at ...I don't feel good about me at all when I'm with my hsb. and I don't feel like we are growing together, caring together or even loving together. We are even finding a bigger rift with how we are even doing things with the kids, our approach is even different. So I know because of all this and the lack of attention, affection and feeling even of remotely feeling appreciated I've absorbed it like a sponge when it comes from anywhere else.

I have an amazing friend who listens with his heart and soul and has been through a very similar situation. We have become very close friends due to work situations having us spend hours and hours together with loads of long talks and just general connecting as great friends. I however have developed a depth of feeling I don't want to have because 1. I'm not in a situation I could ever pursue it 2. It is not mutual 3. It is breaking my heart only having friendship knowing there will never be anything more.....4. watching him want other women, talk about dating etc. I did write him and in a very indirect way explained how I felt but also ensured him I never wanted to jeapordize our friendship or lose it for that matter. A real conversation around it all has never really occurred it was just kind of buried but he knows. I don't think he ever wants to say anything because I know he doesn't want to hurt me. So I have a broken dead heart on one side and a heart full of love and everything great for someone I can never give it too.

I have no desire to search for anyone else or anything else. I have no desire to even try. What I want in life and love is exactly what my friend wants (our goals and expectations are the same) yet it will never be together....that fact alone is so hard to live with everyday. The man I should feel this way for I can't and don't and I know he doesn't feel that way for me either. Ironically I really want him to find happiness and love more than I want it for myself. If I could have amazing companionships with (males) and friendships .....even someone to cuddle with with no expectations other than close friendship I would be happier than a pig in shit. Are pigs really happy in shit? lol

I do have an online friend I've now had in my life for five months. Someone who has a tortured soul and heart for many similar but different reasons. I think we connected in a really cool but different way and he has become part of my daily life. I think of him all the time and wonder how he is ...worry about him....truly care about him.....and I've never even had a chance to talk to him voice to voice. Yet I feel I've known him my whole life. I guess some people are just meant to be in your life. I know that his plate is sooooo full as is his head and heart and really anyone else in that situation I dont' think would have ever stayed in touch with me as he has. He has shown patience, compassion and empathy.....never any flirting or affection in that way....damn it ....lol!!! No I would never be his type anyhow which is not surprising when you see the women online and off that he has affection for ...omg he can say all he wants about loving the insides but he defn. defn. is attracted to real beauty...the natural beauty though not the fake and he seems always fortunate enough to find the beauties with substance which is where is turmoil in his life comes from (well some of it) Never have I met such a complex person yet I honestly think i "get" him.

He has been a great source of comfort for me and a part of me would love to spend like a whole weekend in the mountains with him just as amazing friends...I have even dreamt of it. What would be better than a cabin in the mountains, horseback riding, good bbqs with wine and endless chats around the fire. even a good cuddle of comfort for each other. Well just another hopeless dream I feed my heart. I'm kind of stupid that way. I want so much of what I can never have. I even had it once and it slipped through my fingers and I never had closure to it but that is another whole long entry.

I guess I know there is light out there but I'm so deep in the tunnels right now that my search is going to be long and hard.....that I know for sure. I have a lot of bends to turn and once I have I know my search for that light of happiness and real love will be successful.

J :)