I'm not even sure where to begin this blog or what to title it. I know inside I just want and need to write. I met a wonderful person a number of years ago now who really showed me what love was all about and I was shown through words esp. I started to write and it was the first time in a long long time that I felt really good about myself and life. I always have felt great around my children but the rest of my life was taking a back seat to lonliness and sadness.

I really got into the writing and loved it. I was able to write about real feelings and emotions and real life situations as well as imagination and fantasy. I think I felt real stress relief in it. Now my life is again in a tunnel of darkness (for some parts only) and I really want to try writing again but writing always reminds me of him and that is hard because (him) was one person in my whole life who really "got" me. He is now gone and he left my life without a goodbye something that still bothers me to this day.

I like to revisit my work too and am amazed at how many poems were really about me on the inside and how long I've felt sad. Sad is the only word to describe it. It is not negative because I try to be positive all the time around others. I only truly experience "sad" on my own time for the most part. I'm like a closet "sad" person. I hide it well. I do appreciate a lot and I do have a good attitude so "sad" is not that either. "Sad" is what is missing inside what maybe has always been missing. (there may have been a glimmer of what is missing but it was taken away before I could get a good grip on it).

I know "sad" has had its varying levels too because sometimes wanting and wanting someone or something and not being allowed to have it or him etc.....has made the "sad" a whole lot worse. So bad in fact last year I did something really stupid ..well beyond my intelligence level and after I had no idea why. I wrote about it too to take responsibility for it and maybe to try and understand it I suppose. I have not shared this with anyone.

Cutting

You move the knife
Across the skin
But is there pain
No it’s all within

One slice two slice
The blood seeps out
The pain feels good
Your heart wants to shout

Line after line
You hide away
So no one sees
Yourself you betray

Emotions big
Upset that kills
Nothing else helps
Not advice or pills

Cuts are relief
Of the worse kind
No attachments
Found in soul or mind

Self-injurious wounds
It is not smart
Relieves the pain
That’s deep in the heart.

I'm not proud at all but I think I realized how serious "sad" was getting at that time. It is up and down like a yoyo for me. There is never really "happy" on the inside ....there is a lot of "happy" on the outside for sure for sure. I just want some day to have and experience "happy" without having to sacrifice the happiness and well being of others. Will that ever happen? I'm already 43 and don't feel anyone would want me now as it is....what about in five or more years it will just be worse. how long do I wait?

You know I have this great friend who I CAN'T wait to talk to for real, that just is always around. He is in my heart and in my head constantly. A super dear friend who I can't believe how much I miss when I'm not in contact with him even for just a day.....lol. How can that happen? How can I feel so much for someone so far away so completely living a different life to mine....?? I feel a supporting bond that just helps me so so much. I think people like this in your life are rare rare to find and even though he has a lot in his life in this sort of "light" ....he truly is my one and only ....lol (I so don't mean that in a romantic sense lol), don't want him thinking I'm a stalker........lol Just a really grateful friend who adores him !!!!!!!!!

If not for him .......I'd have so much bottled in. Maybe helping each other is good for both of us.

J :)

Paralyzed

You know I listen to so much music because lyrics touch my heart, bring back memories, cheer me up, make me cry, soothe me and sometimes just take me away. I love the escape music gives me from life and strife.

I have lived long enough to know what type of attitude to have, how to stay positive, how to make a difference in others' lives, how to appreciate all the little things, not to stress about that I cannot change, how to live each day fully etc. etc. etc. I know all the lessons I hear all the advice yet somehow my heart is paralyzed with the reality of my own life.
Truly I have nothing to complain about, I have so so much to be thankful for, to appreciate, to love yet my chest aches daily, my eyes cry nightly and I can't seem to hold any type of real feeling of elation for long.

All the issues in my life that have been created by myself and others are real and are issues I know thousands of others have had, lived through but mine are paralyzing me. I can't go back, I can't move forward I'm even having a hard time living in the moment, in the present. I know life is a gift and I'm great at giving others advice, words of wisdom, compassion, sympathy all of it...but I can't ever hear my own words, live by my own words. My ears, my heart my soul are all paralyzed.

There is no cure, and even though I know God is there, he loves me, he supports me and he truly forgives me, he just can't take the paralysis away. He can't, no one can, only I can. That too I know yet I'm not doing it, I'm not helping myself, I'm not loving myself and I fully know I should be.
I know this because if I don't I'll live the rest of my life paralyzed.

I have children who are my absolute world, I have family who are supportive and loving, I have friends that care and love me but there is still something missing, something I want, something I need. I need strength and I need courage, I need faith and I need hope and most of all I need love. I need them from me to me. I want desperately to find out how to do that.

I long for and ache for the "I love you words" ...I long and ache for any attention that makes me feel a little stronger, a little more appreciated, and a lot more loved. People never realize how great those small words can sound. I know there are so many different types of love and I don't think I really ache for the "romantic love" as much as the life long companion love. I would rather have a few really close close friends who love me for a life time then a "romantic love" that may only last a short while. I want to feel needed and cared for by those other than family. I know in my heart of hearts I want it from males more than females. Female friends are valuable of course but even male friends bring something different.

If I could have a wish today believe it or not it would be a long fulfilling loving hug that just said everything is going to be okay, I'm going to believe in you, care for you and help you find yourself again. I'm going to unconditionally support you and love you. I'm going to be your best friend. That might just trigger inside of me what I need to move out of this paralyzed state.

J

Wow paralysis creates whole lot of rambling.

Confusion

Well this I hope is going to be really helpful as writing usually is for me. My heart and head are in such a dilemma I feel like my head is going to split like that of a vault line during an earthquake. Things are so messed up for me and I know I'm a huge contributor to it. All the breakdown of my marriage has really taken its toll on my whole family really but it still doesn't seem as bad as it would be breaking the family up.....but again I toss with that too.

I had made peace with everything,,, all my mistakes and indiscretions, all my guilt and I found forgiveness with God this summer on my amazing retreat in the mountains. I think I was missing him in my life and I really truly found him and I found forgiveness everywhere ...I really felt different when I was there and even when I left. I felt strong. However when I tried to discuss everything it all kind of blew up in my face and words exchanged, feelings or lack of feelings I don't know changed everything and I felt and I felt my retreat slip away from my heart and soul. So I continue to be at that same place. Even though some things were agreed on things went on and somewhat in a different but better way. I felt attention and caring that I had not felt or experienced in years and it gave me some hope. However that did not last and things seem to have slipped back to how they once always were ....back to what got us to this point in the first place.

So my confusion? Gosh I want to find my relationship with god more and I want his guidance to help me find "me" again. That is the worst part of where I'm at ...I don't feel good about me at all when I'm with my hsb. and I don't feel like we are growing together, caring together or even loving together. We are even finding a bigger rift with how we are even doing things with the kids, our approach is even different. So I know because of all this and the lack of attention, affection and feeling even of remotely feeling appreciated I've absorbed it like a sponge when it comes from anywhere else.

I have an amazing friend who listens with his heart and soul and has been through a very similar situation. We have become very close friends due to work situations having us spend hours and hours together with loads of long talks and just general connecting as great friends. I however have developed a depth of feeling I don't want to have because 1. I'm not in a situation I could ever pursue it 2. It is not mutual 3. It is breaking my heart only having friendship knowing there will never be anything more.....4. watching him want other women, talk about dating etc. I did write him and in a very indirect way explained how I felt but also ensured him I never wanted to jeapordize our friendship or lose it for that matter. A real conversation around it all has never really occurred it was just kind of buried but he knows. I don't think he ever wants to say anything because I know he doesn't want to hurt me. So I have a broken dead heart on one side and a heart full of love and everything great for someone I can never give it too.

I have no desire to search for anyone else or anything else. I have no desire to even try. What I want in life and love is exactly what my friend wants (our goals and expectations are the same) yet it will never be together....that fact alone is so hard to live with everyday. The man I should feel this way for I can't and don't and I know he doesn't feel that way for me either. Ironically I really want him to find happiness and love more than I want it for myself. If I could have amazing companionships with (males) and friendships .....even someone to cuddle with with no expectations other than close friendship I would be happier than a pig in shit. Are pigs really happy in shit? lol

I do have an online friend I've now had in my life for five months. Someone who has a tortured soul and heart for many similar but different reasons. I think we connected in a really cool but different way and he has become part of my daily life. I think of him all the time and wonder how he is ...worry about him....truly care about him.....and I've never even had a chance to talk to him voice to voice. Yet I feel I've known him my whole life. I guess some people are just meant to be in your life. I know that his plate is sooooo full as is his head and heart and really anyone else in that situation I dont' think would have ever stayed in touch with me as he has. He has shown patience, compassion and empathy.....never any flirting or affection in that way....damn it ....lol!!! No I would never be his type anyhow which is not surprising when you see the women online and off that he has affection for ...omg he can say all he wants about loving the insides but he defn. defn. is attracted to real beauty...the natural beauty though not the fake and he seems always fortunate enough to find the beauties with substance which is where is turmoil in his life comes from (well some of it) Never have I met such a complex person yet I honestly think i "get" him.

He has been a great source of comfort for me and a part of me would love to spend like a whole weekend in the mountains with him just as amazing friends...I have even dreamt of it. What would be better than a cabin in the mountains, horseback riding, good bbqs with wine and endless chats around the fire. even a good cuddle of comfort for each other. Well just another hopeless dream I feed my heart. I'm kind of stupid that way. I want so much of what I can never have. I even had it once and it slipped through my fingers and I never had closure to it but that is another whole long entry.

I guess I know there is light out there but I'm so deep in the tunnels right now that my search is going to be long and hard.....that I know for sure. I have a lot of bends to turn and once I have I know my search for that light of happiness and real love will be successful.

J :)

Testing

A new place to write and think and release. Will keep my online journal private not that anyone really wants to read anything i write. Lol